papa 4

I woke up with a throbbing head, I hardly slept last night. I reported for work to put in order the things I might left at work. Then the following day, I have to travel alone again.

I prepared my things, cleaned our room and did the last minute errands. I felt as if it was the longest day ever in my entire life. You know the feeling of waiting for somebody’s call or even just a text message...I waited and waited…I was still hoping up to that moment of my existence that there was still us. I don’t know what to feel. I was confused. I was hurt but I was still hoping. But I know it was really wrong for me to hope and wait for someone who will by no means be mine. What happened between us made my heart more drained…

By the time I knew my father passed away, that was the instance I knew he made someone pregnant…well, again…I was dismayed. I accepted his whole being knowing he already have a responsibility. But still, he made that woman pregnant for the second time around. What can I do? He is the father. And he shall be liable for his actions. All those times, I thought it was us. But there was never us. I was just there, because he needs me. Because the woman he loves left him. And there was I. That was all. Nothing more, nothing less. Obviously I don’t have to ask him what happened. All I can do is to remain still. And move on. I had no idea that it’s been awhile since they got back together. I knew he just couldn’t tell me that. I was so nice to him. Or let’s just say I’ve been blinded by my feelings for him. He had even told me many times that among all the girls he had been with; I am the one whom he knew who has this great patience to him. We even talked about marriage one day soon…but that was all a lie. Now I realized.

Maybe, it’s one of the factors why I cannot cry. I am full of pain. I can no longer cry. I’ve been telling my father on my mind that I was sorry I can not shed a tear. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. It’s just that my lachrymal glands may not be functioning well. Funny, but I just put things that way.

And so I took the longest journey of my life…