papa 4

I woke up with a throbbing head, I hardly slept last night. I reported for work to put in order the things I might left at work. Then the following day, I have to travel alone again.

I prepared my things, cleaned our room and did the last minute errands. I felt as if it was the longest day ever in my entire life. You know the feeling of waiting for somebody’s call or even just a text message...I waited and waited…I was still hoping up to that moment of my existence that there was still us. I don’t know what to feel. I was confused. I was hurt but I was still hoping. But I know it was really wrong for me to hope and wait for someone who will by no means be mine. What happened between us made my heart more drained…

By the time I knew my father passed away, that was the instance I knew he made someone pregnant…well, again…I was dismayed. I accepted his whole being knowing he already have a responsibility. But still, he made that woman pregnant for the second time around. What can I do? He is the father. And he shall be liable for his actions. All those times, I thought it was us. But there was never us. I was just there, because he needs me. Because the woman he loves left him. And there was I. That was all. Nothing more, nothing less. Obviously I don’t have to ask him what happened. All I can do is to remain still. And move on. I had no idea that it’s been awhile since they got back together. I knew he just couldn’t tell me that. I was so nice to him. Or let’s just say I’ve been blinded by my feelings for him. He had even told me many times that among all the girls he had been with; I am the one whom he knew who has this great patience to him. We even talked about marriage one day soon…but that was all a lie. Now I realized.

Maybe, it’s one of the factors why I cannot cry. I am full of pain. I can no longer cry. I’ve been telling my father on my mind that I was sorry I can not shed a tear. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. It’s just that my lachrymal glands may not be functioning well. Funny, but I just put things that way.

And so I took the longest journey of my life…

papa 3

Chapter 3

I felt so tired, so weary. I woke up on the middle of that night. I felt so alone on those hours of darkness. My roommate Angel was already on dreamland so I had no one to talk with. It was so quiet and dark so I just focused my attention to the flashes of lightning outside the window of our room. I felt a cold draft of night air brush against my body. I reached for my blanket.

I turned my attention again outside and hummed of a familiar song. I thought I was about to cry. But I just can’t. I kept on humming Jose Mari Chan’s Sing Me Your Song Again Daddy…hoping I could find the right words on my mind to express how I truly felt about the loss of my father. I know the lyrics of that song weren’t fit.
Memories of Papa appeared on my vision…it was as if there was big screen in front of me…

…there I was, so young, so innocent and so happy…with Papa, a great guitar man by my side. I was singing while he was playing with his guitar…I love to wear his big, tattered shirt…that was me…a long time ago...
I felt my eyes were warm…but there wasn’t a single tear. I tried to evaluate myself why a cry-baby like me can not cry during that moment of my life.

…soon, I saw myself, a teenager who grew so tough. I began to call myself Stoic. As defined by the word, “apparently unaffected by any form of emotion”. I began to be like that when I learned about having other siblings from my father through another woman. I was hurt badly when I learned about the unfaithfulness of my father. How he had cheated on my mother. And as time passed by…I just realized I became aloof to all of the rest of the family members…my parents were never the ideal parents. From that moment on, there were never real happy moments with them for me. I tried to find happiness with the company of my friends. I don’t act the real me when I’m at home. Only my friends distinguish who I really am. I shine to different lights to different people I come across. Things were really poles apart.
My heart remained heavy…and I decided to sleep…

papa 2

Chapter 2

…while my father was still confined on the hospital…I sailed back to Cebu. I have to report for work. I felt I left my heart at home…I thought about many things…I realized my family needs me now…specially my mother.

Just after about a couple of weeks, while I was so busy at work, my phone kept on vibrating on the pocket of my pants. I usually ignore my phone during working hours. But at that time, I had this urge to check my phone as if I was sure it was something really important.

It was my mother calling me… she was sobbing, begging me to come home as soon as possible. I didn’t trust myself to say anything to keep my mother calm. I just listened to her for few minutes talking about how was my father that time. She was crying and telling me that my father can no longer swallow his medicine. She had told me that my father was crying too while she was talking to me on the phone. I can hear my mother telling papa that I’ll be home to see him. With that said, mama told me that my father put a smile on his face…

The call ended. After an hour or two I guess, around 3 o’clock in the afternoon…

Then, my phone was vibrating again. That time, it wasn’t my mother calling. It was my Ate Sheena, a close family friend. For seconds, she cannot speak. She was crying. I was alarmed. I knew what it was. Then I heard her finally say in her Ilongga accent “Dai, wala na gyud si Daddy mo”, (Dai, Daddy (as she calls my father) is gone).

I paused for awhile. There were no tears from me. But I was in pain, in great pain. Finally, I blurted out and asked her how my mother was. Obviously, she was not all right. I told her to comfort my mother and not leave her. That time, my kuya was in Bukidnon taking care of some of the paper works with regards to the absence of my father from his work.
He had no idea that my father had left us…forever…

I thought I had myself prepared for something like this…but the pain was excruciating.
I just wondered and had asked myself why I really can not cry. I should cry for the loss of a father. For the loss of someone I was very close to when I was a little girl. I just waited for the clock to strike at 5 o’clock so that I can go home. Rest for awhile and then think on what to do next.

papa

Month of August last year, I have been distressed by two conflicting thoughts. Whether to
give up my job start anew and go home. Or to go back to school and come what may.i
know it was a stupid thoughtBut maybe i just need time for myself and i knew
i just missed my family.
By mid-august, i received a message from a family friend. She told me that my father was
rushed to the hospital and was very ill. He had an attack.Hypertension. I was shocked and I couldn't imagine my father to be ill. I've always pictured him to remain a strong middle-aged man. Just a few minutes, my mother called me on the phone. Her voice was shaking and it was really heartbreaking for me. I haven't cried for maybe a year i guess, but that time i wanna breakdown and cry. But i don't
want my mom to hear me cry. I pretended to be tough and told her everything will turn out fine. She
said, my father never even told her that he wasn't feeling well anymore. That it has been a year
since his first attack, and now it's the fourth and worst attack.
I prayed to God that if it's already his time, I asked Him for the last time I want to be with my father. I have given him many disappointments as a daughter and I realized i've wasted a lot of
time that It could have been spent with my family. I decided to go home the following day. I talked to my superior that I'llbe gone for few days and promised to be back for work immediately after all this ordeal. But before I had talked to her, well, I can't stop my tears, i cried like i've never cried before

Before going to my hometown, me and my significant other had talked. He wanted to go with me. But for me, it wasn't a good timing to introduce him to my family yet. but I never knew because of
that, what we had will just be a history...

I traveled alone and in deep thoughts, I'll be with my family again for few more hours and I
can't stop thinking about how i refused him to go with me. I just wondered if he was sincere enough or he was just simply telling me that.

I arrived home on the morning the following day. It was past nine o'clock in the morning when me and my brother arrived at the hospital. There I saw my father. So weak and thin. And he was crying and telling my mother, (though he was having a hard time to talk )that I am not going home and that they were just telling him I am going home even if i am not. I felt a lump in my throat upon hearing it and my eyes began to get watery. My heart was so heavy while getting near him. My mother told me in a low tone that he can not clearly see now and he's acting like a child. His brain was greatly affected.
I sat beside him and talked to him. I told him to stop crying and they were telling the truth
'cause I'm finally home. I asked him if he recognized me. And he said "YES". Though he cannot speak clearly but he tried to talk to me as if nothing's happened to him. I was there at the hospital for
few days. He was showing some changes. Signs of progress on his health condition. But I know, we all know what hypertension is. I am not inclined to medical profession but I know what's going on with my
father. I talked to his doctor, to his neurologist and attending physician. They told me that my mother already knew what's the real condition of my father. He was already advised to be discharged from the hospital because no matter what medication he's going to take, it will be of no use. He will remain to be on that condition. With a weak body, can't talk, hear and see clearly. And will act like a child most of the time. And we will just wait for another attack. It was hard to accept but it was the truth
Most of his major arteries on his brain were blocked by blood clots. The blockage on his arteries was due to his first three attacks. It can be cured if we can bring him to the most expensive and hi-tech
hospital but that was impossible. Where on earth will we ever find money to afford on that? But even
though we could find a way to afford it, but still he was too weak to go through any operation. It was still useless.
After a week, I told my father that I have to be back at work. But I never let him saw me
walk out that door and carry my baggage. I know he will cry. Though he sometimes forgets
who's with him at the hospital but he usually cries when someone arrives to visit him or when
someone says goodbye to him.

And another chapter of my life has begun....